You just made me feel so damn special
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
