I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
