wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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