i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
