my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
