Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
