The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Randomize
