Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
