I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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