My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's shark week go big or go home
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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