Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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