I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love