i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.