I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.