my mouth tastes like poor choices
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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