Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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