Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
