I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
