my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
