My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
