Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
even my farts smell like vagina
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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