your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
