I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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