Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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