the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
