There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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