how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
