My hand turned me down
I feel great
I just peed on a car
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
