he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
