Dude my mom stole all your condoms
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
