Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
