He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
