genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
