Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
