Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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