Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
