hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
