ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
