I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
