Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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