So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just had sex on a roof
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
