I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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