I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
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