Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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