Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
