i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize