i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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