omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
