i would punch a child for taco bell
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
