We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
