I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
