he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
