was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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