Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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