what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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