I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
