I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
