Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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