The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
