a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
