I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
