there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
