Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
