My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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